On the days when I "love" but do not "like" my children

I am a young mom.  I have a two and a half year old and a seven month old, both of whom are apparently angels according to everyone around me.  Only my husband and I disagree.

Today was one of the days when I am positive everyone is blind - my children are NOT angels.  Despite a deep, deep love of being a mom, I still have those days when I really dislike having to take care of these two little people.

The worst part?  It isn't because I don't love the little people...I just don't like them right now.

I have a feeling there are lots of moms who may see this and understand what I am talking about.  There are days when it just gets to be a little crazy and overwhelming and chaotic trying to juggle the needs and wants of a toddler and infant who seem to want everything and nothing at once.  Literally.  My seven month old daughter cried for quite a while today because she couldn't decide if she wanted to get down and crawl on her own or cuddle.  So we ended up with a fussy baby no matter what we did and Hito gets upset if Sophia cries, whines, fusses, or talks....which makes everything so great!  And I am supposed to feed them, keep the house relatively clean, and run a business? Ahahaha...that is funny on days like today.

I made this observation to a good friend of mine recently who said that this seemed to be a healthy attitude.  Healthy or not, as she said that, I realized that this was the uneasy peace I have made with the fact that sometimes being a mom is no walk in the park and ends with more poopy diapers than you thought possible or more drool, food, and spit up on you than anywhere else in the house.

Recently, my reflections have changed a little.  It struck me that I am often the whiny child.  The child who can't decide what she wants and get upset when offered different options.  My heavenly Father is infinitely patient with me.  And this is going to be a little cliche but bear with me.  It is something that has so much more poignancy and meaning for me now.  Being a parent has given me insight into the Father/child relationship I have with my Savior.

As children, we are commanded to be holy as "He who called us" (1 Peter 1:13-21).  But that Scripture says nothing about our success in that endeavor. In fact, it seems to count on us failing because it tells us the reason why we have to keep trying to be holy (verses 17-21).   And I am just as whiny and discontent and uncertain as my daughter.

So...as much as I can, from now on, when this momma has a bad day...I will say grace.  Pray grace, be grace, beg grace.  If I have been redeemed with incorruptible things and am held close to my Christ despite my bad days, I will love my children all the more.  Through the drool and lack of sleep, there is the undeniable truth.

I am my Father's daughter and my children are mine and there is always more grace - for all of us.

Have a beautiful day.

a year in review

I was thinking about this post today and what I would say when it got to be the end of one year and the start of a new one.  And nothing seemed to really come to me.

This past year was so full.  New member of the family, baby sister graduating from high school, brother-in-law got married (read: another girl in the family which is good with all the boys on that side), rebranded my jewelry business, and am still trying to get laundry done.  =P

There were bad days this year - tired momma days.  But mixed in that were also sweet days.  Days of laughing babies, sweet friendships, family time in California and Hawaii.  It was a lot of different things...

I don't know how to say exactly what I am feeling.  But 2013 was a learning year for me.  So for 2014, I hope to be able to be more aware of things.  More aware of how I spend my time, be able to appreciate the good and bad days with the kids, to be able to focus my energy with my business, and most of all, to glorify my Lord and Savior

But for now, I am going to go keep working on that laundry.  =)

Have a beautiful day and a very Happy New Year!

6 months as a momma of two...

My little girl is six months old today...

We have gone from this...

...to this...

...in too short a time.

I had been thinking of what I was going to say in this post...but somehow I'd rather just show you what has been filling my life.  Because it is the greatest blessing I could ever receive.

Six precious months...

There can't be enough time with these moments, these smiles...thanking God for these and praying for more.

Have a beautiful day.

The Good News of Little Drummer Boy

This week, one of my favorite music groups brought out an amazing version of the song Little Drummer Boy.  And I have been listening to it fairly regularly...ok, it's been on repeat but details.

And then my rough morning started today.  Corby had an emergency at work that meant he had to leave the house suddenly, Sophia was getting tired early, and Hito did not want to play by himself.  My sore throat and suspiciously pink eye were bothering me this morning and the list of things to do before Thanksgiving was growing this morning.

Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum
A new born King to see, pa rum pum pum pum
Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum
To lay before the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum...
So to meet Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
When we come.
Come, see, gift.  And then it started to sink in...

Little Baby, pa rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy to, pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum
That's fit to give a king, par rum pum pum
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum,
On my drum?

The gifts we bring don't make us better or worse because really, we have no gifts fit for a king.  The thing that we bring is that little question and the determination to do it: can I play for You?  Can I work for You?   Can I clean my house for you?  Can I live my life for You?...

Mary nodded, pa rum pum pum pum
The ox and lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my drum for Him, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my best for Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

Then He smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum.
We often fail at our drum playing...like my morning...and I certainly was not doing my best this morning.  But I come again, to the throne of grace, and ask if I can play for you.  Trembling hands grasp the sticks and try to drum out a life that is worthy to bring the King.  

And I see the baby Jesus smile.

Two years...

My Hito turned two today.

This little baby...

 ...grew into this boy in the blink of an eye.

Time goes fast...too fast.  How do I hold on to these moments?  My little baby has become a hefty boy and I am so thankful.  So thankful.

Hito, you are the sweetest, brightest little kid and I am so happy to be your mommy.  There is nothing I would rather do than stay with you for the rest of my life.  I pray every day that you will grow up to love the Lord, your family, and be the best boy you can be.  Happy birthday, little one.

remembering...

Today, I cried.

I don't remember crying on September 11, 2001.  My 15 year old mind understood that something horrific had happened.  But now my mother of two mind understands something so much greater.

The world is different.

And I cry.

We now live in a world that is full of this out-in-the-open and hidden-at-the-same-time fear called terrorism.

We live in a world where we wait with bated breath as friends with spouses and siblings and children in the armed services return from still hazardous tours of duty in far off places.  We live in a world where our children were not alive that day and need to be taught about these things.  We live in a world where we can start again to teach our children to love, always love.

Today, I praised.

I saw pictures on Facebook of another army soldier husband who returned safe to the arms of his wife and family.  I prayed thanks with a heart ready to burst that my brother made it back from his tour in Afghanistan safely.  I mourned again reading about families broken, security shattered, and hearts crushed by the hate of a few people that day years ago.

This different world also brings opportunities to us to do right and good.  Soldiers are getting help for PTSD, organizations are freeing the oppressed around the world, and we continue to find ways to sustain the earth's population more and more efficiently.

Today, I prayed.

The world is different but the prayer is the same.  Patience, humility, and love are never outdated, never unwanted.  As a mother of two, I strive, struggle, every day to try and point my children's eyes to the Savior who did everything for them, for mom and dad, for the whole world.  The whole world doesn't see it.  But that doesn't change the free offer of salvation and love - it will always be there.  And Christ draws us to Himself.

So I will continue.  Crying, praising, praying.  In full confidence of a future shaped and ordained by my Maker and Redeemer.

There are far better things ahead 

than any we leave behind.

~C.S. Lewis

my unexpected realization as a mommy of two

I have been single mom-ing it this weekend because the men of my husband's family always go hunting in Arizona over Labor Day weekend.  And that's ok (I have no problem with my husband having some guy time in case anyone misunderstood).  But I have been having a lot of internal conversations about whether I should be a full time SAHM or if there is other work for me outside of my home.

It was an extremely hot weekend so we were sort of confined to the few rooms that we have put air conditioning units into.  Well, I have a nearly 2 year old boy and a two month old girl.  It makes for some creative parenting, lots of mommy guilt, and more tv shows in one day than I normally allow.

But despite the mommy guilt, I did have a blinding moment of clarity.  At one point in my afternoon, I had a fussy infant and a fidgety toddler.  As I held my baby girl, I couldn't help but marvel at how beautiful she is.  My son was settling down with some markers and paper, focusing so intently on what he was doing, blond hair falling forward as he tried to copy the way I hold pens and markers.

And my heart was full.

I stopped and began praying out loud because I couldn't believe that God had blessed me with these two huge responsibilities that I love more than life.  Even at a distance, I felt supported by a husband who was recharging the same way I need to do every now and again.  Perhaps the sweetest thought was knowing that when dad does get home, both children's faces will light up the way they only do when dad comes home.

It was a long weekend that was rather out of our routine.  But it was precious.  I prayed and sang and laughed and cuddled with two children whom God has given me as a charge for the time being.  I was humbled as I remembered again and again that it is all His grace that gets us from morning to night and His grace that draws my children's hearts to Himself.  I carried on in His strength.

And again the blinding clarity.  My place, for the time being, is at home.  My children's physical and spiritual growth is my responsibility.  My family has the luxury of me being able to stay home and as long as God allows, I will be here.

I will be here so that when I tuck my children in at night and they instinctively fold their hands so we can pray before bed or crawl into my lap throughout the day to fold their hands and ask "pray", I can again be blinded with the knowledge that my work is here, at home.

One week as a momma of two

Hello all!

It is now officially summer!  I am writing this post while sitting outside watching my toddler play and listening to the sleeping baby snuffles of the newest member of our family.

Everyone, meet Sophia Aiko.  =) She joined us last week Wednesday and has been increasing our joy so much.

Being a momma of two is...interesting, challenging, amazing, rewarding, and more than anything else, exhausting.  But none of those things makes me regret anything or wish that I wasn't on this journey.  And for the sake of getting some of these thoughts out of my head, I thought I would share a few of the lessons I've learned so far here:

• No matter how many kids you have, an infant's feeding requirements make sleep a scarce event.
• When you have multiple little ones requiring your attention, you have to make certain arrangements to make sure your body heals after having a baby.  It is easy to forget that your body needs a little time to recover but I have a feeling that it will be well worth the consideration now.
• Husbands/fathers are God's greatest blessing to moms.
• Most importantly, nothing could have prepared me for the richness of love and sweetness of big brother getting used to her and the swelling of emotion from this momma.  It is an amazing thing to see and feel your family and love growing.  

There are certainly challenges.  I have been near tears with exhaustion but also over the moon with the beauty of the relationships that are being developed in our little family.  God has always given the grace needed for each trial and I know He will always be faithful.

Have a beautiful summer day!

in defense of the happy ending

I'm not sure if it is because I am a parent now or because I am getting hormonal/sentimental as I approach the end of pregnancy #2 but I have been contemplating happy endings.  Today, I want to talk about how I firmly believe that the happy ending should be preserved in literature, television, and film.

There seems to be a growing section of the parenting and psychology realms who are not convinced that happy endings are healthy for children (or maybe it is the large amount of dysotopian young adult literature but that is another blog post).  Now, I am not an expert on psychology or childhood development or even literature.  But I am a fairly well adjusted woman with a definite affinity for fairy tales and fantasy literature and an absolute addiction to a good happy ending.  This addiction does not mean that I am a Disney princess freak (I actually have problems with some aspects of them) but I think that most of the works of classic literature that we still love hundreds of years later are the ones that give us the hope of happiness.

I decided to do a little bit of research into the concept of the "happy ending."  There is the Disney happy ending (perhaps the most common?), the psychological happy ending, and the happy endings that I would like to talk about.  From what I am reading, apparently these (especially the Disney endings) can make us expect real life to be the same way and to be dissatisfied with any other outcome.  While I can appreciate the logic behind such an attitude, I think such proponents miss the larger picture.

There is a new growth of research from psychologists that suggests that what happens at the end of a narrative or situation is what colors our memory of the situation.  Whether we remember a year fondly because of happy times with family and friends during the holidays or loving a restaurant experience because dessert was good, our overall thoughts and feelings have been most strongly influenced by the ending (for a little bit of "light" reading on the subject, check here and here).

While I can appreciate the science of the human brain and its interaction with our emotions, I think happy endings, especially other peoples' happy endings in books, movies, or real life, are necessary to a fulfilled, forward looking human experience.  Happy endings remind us of a necessary element of our lives - hope.  As we move through time, we are only allowed to look in two directions.  As we look back, we may become bogged down in the perceived failures.  When we look forward, we see...unknowns.  If those were my only options, I have to admit that I would have very little desire to get out of bed in the morning.

But happy endings - big or small - give us hope for what could be, what is possible still.  Whether I am reading my dearly beloved Jane Austen's novels, talking to a friend who is having a good week, or merely getting dinner on the table on time, I have experienced a happiness.  A happiness that is complete in and of itself, with no need of validation or analysis from an outside source.  Heck, as the mother of a toddler, even getting through my morning coffee is a happiness.

But the point is that there are people out there who think this is silly, or worse, unnecessary.  People who would seem to discount the value of a happy ending.  Let me be clear - I am not arguing for a head in the clouds, only seeing rainbows and butterflies kind of existence.  Rather, I am arguing that happy endings like you find in Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, Anne of Green Gables, blogs, A Series of Unfortunate Events (books or movie), and others like these give you a realistic happy ending.  There is hard work, there is heartache, but there is triumph and contentment and satisfaction.  There is fulfillment in the situation they end up finding themselves in - because they stuck it out and it is their happy ending.  It is not always the princess marrying the prince.  Sometimes it is the school teacher who finds that marrying the principle and doing what he/she loves is the real place where joy and happiness reside.

So, my dear blog reader, keep reading blogs.  Keep cheering people on who have found a way to make a living doing what they love, moms who are keeping families together and finding personal fulfillment, and communities that are strengthened by one member's happy ending.  We will keep people hoping in a better day tomorrow and the world filled with happy endings.

And with that, have a beautiful, happy ending, day.  =)

anticipation and thankfulness, or pregnancy and baby showers

Tomorrow is 38 weeks on the baby wait calendar.  And it has made for some interesting personal reflections.  It has been interesting seeing how my thought process has evolved from when I was expecting no. 1.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote this post about my insecurities about being a momma of two.  Since then...I have realized more and more strongly that things will work out.  Not easy, lots of hard work, but exactly how God plans them to be.  I have an amazing husband, supportive family, dear friends, and a heavenly Father who are always with me.

The point is that I am really looking forward to having two.  I am very aware that my time will be even less my own than is currently the case but does it matter when you have another pair of arms to nurture so that they will give me hugs and cuddles like Hito does already?  I don't think he quite knows that he is going to have a sister but that's ok.  =P  He is growing into quite the affectionate, curious, mischievous little guy and I can't wait to have another little person in our house.

Am I being very biased if I say he is getting to be too stinking handsome?

One of the things that I am so thankful for right now are a church family and dear friends who mean the world to me.  These ladies threw me a baby shower about a month ago and that was when it really set in that another baby was going to enter our lives.

My dear friend Kristin (who you have heard me talk about regularly) threw me the shower and did such an amazing job!  I felt so spoiled and loved!  I mean, just look at what she did!  She knows that this book, Jamberry, is one of my absolute favorite children's stories and used it as the theme for the shower - it was to die for!

Kristin used the book as a guest book!  It was the sweetest idea!

And her decorations on the dessert table alone are kind of amazing!  And the food was fantastic too!

Kristin, thank you so much for the time and effort you put into this shower and for your sweet friendship.  You are a huge source of encouragement and love and growth to me and I thank God that He put both of us in the same church with the chance to meet and grow together!  Xoxo!

Check out Kristin's blog for more pictures too!  (As well as her website because she is kind of amazingly talented and makes beautiful bridal and hair accessories!  She even made me a hair piece for the shower - but you have to go check out her blog to see that!)

Have a beautiful day!

my end of pregnancy style staples

I am less than a month away from my due date and it is now a daily battle to find something to wear.  A battle to find something that makes me feel remotely fashionable and cover the rather large baby bump I've got going on.  =P  I will admit, there are a few things that people will be seeing me in rather regularly from here on out.  So in case there are any other mommas out there who need something to cover their baby bump, here are my suggestions!

~The Nursing Friendly Maxi~

This dress is so easy to wear that I have been kind of living in it.  It can dress up, down, or in between and is specifically designed to transition with you once baby comes.  The criss-cross front is modest but definitely stretchy enough to easily accommodate the breast-feeding momma!

Liz Lange for Target

~The best pregnancy pants I have found~

I had been hearing great things about Gap's maternity wear and hadn't needed anything so I hadn't bought anything.  Well an amazing coupon code showed up in my email a few weeks ago and I took the plunge with these fun polka-dotted jeans.  I don't know what took me so long because these are amazing!  The band is comfortable and provides great support.  The denim is high quality and stretches exactly how I need it to.  I can't recommend these pants enough!

1969 always skinny jeans by Gap

I apologize that I did not have my act together enough to actually get pictures of these things on me but trust me, they have been on my body very often.  =)

Have a beautiful day!

the confessions of an only human momma

With the approach of #2's due date (June 14th, if that was your next question), I've been having some inner...turmoil...about taking care of Hito and how adding another child to the picture will effect my ability to maintain my pursuits...and the house...and life.  This inner searching has been helpful and unsettling at the same time.  Maybe it is just a different version of the nerves I dealt with before H came.  Either way, I thought I would share them in case any other mommas need a little boost - because as anxious as I may be, I know that things will work out.

Will I be able to balance spending time with two kids?
Will I be able to adequately take care of my husband and his needs while juggling two kids?
Will I be able to pursue the jobs/goals/tasks that I see God opening up for me?
Will we be able to train our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord?
Is my behavior modeling Christ or making Him harder to see?

I don't have answers for these questions at the moment.  But somehow, I'm ok with that now.  Having written them down and being aware that I will shortly be clicking the "publish" button to share them with the world has reminded me that things will work out.  That doesn't mean that I know how they will work out.  But I know that the sun will rise, my children will grow, my work will go on, and my husband will be by my side the whole way.  And through it all, I have a loving and merciful heavenly Father who is only giving me what I can handle.

"...My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness..."

2 Corinthians 12.9

Have a beautiful day!